Japornucopia

200707100024000.jpg

It was a rainy Tuesday in Central Japan at 9pm, my first work day of the week had ended and it was time to go home.

I rode the rainy streets past the 99yen shop, past my bank, a few barber shops, money lenders and the Korean brothel, under the shelter of the light rail train tracks to the convenience store where three young women and four or five businessmen stood at the magazine rack.

The women were browsing fashion, the men browsing porno mags with no shame. 

I went to the cooler, grabbed a couple of tall cans of beer, and on my way to the counter, grabbed a bag of seaweed and shrimp flavored chips.

As I headed home, I rode my bike with my right hand and held my umbrella with my left.  I learned how to do that in Japan.

I parked my bike at the bottom floor of my mansion, grabbed my mail and stepped in to the air conditioned elevator; destination: 4th floor.

Do I really live in a four story mansion?  No, I live in a ten story mansion.  You see, here in Japan, an apartment building is called a mansion.

Why?  I can only say because in all the world, no other country tries so hard to use English and fails so poetically.

But, let’s get back to the issue at hand, porno, sex, and that little piece of paper that I found in my mail box.

“Delivery Health.  Y3,000 off.  Room or Hotel OK.  Some acts unacceptable”

ladies-sm.jpg

As I glanced at this unsolicited call girl solicitation, I got to thinking about the first question posed by one of my readers, “Why does Japan have the best porno?”

I have two answers to this question; one short and one long.  Let me begin with the long.

In my small town, there are several show pubs, snack bars, body lounges, and health clubs.  Many of these clubs cater to men’s ethnic taste in women; Korean, Filipino, Chinese, European etc.

Health Club is indeed a Japanese word taken from English, but, the health clubs in Japan aren’t full of sweaty bodies on treadmills, weight stations, and yoga classes.  They are indeed full of sweaty bodies, but usually one sweaty body is paying another, maybe not so sweaty body, for sexual favors.

Show pubs are strip clubs, Body Lounges are something more expensive than strip clubs but not called health clubs, and snack pubs are bars where lonely men pay to talk with women who are payed to talk and sing karaoke with lonely men.

body-lounge-sm.jpg cash-ho-sm.jpg

As you can see, the perception of sex is a little different here.  First of all, there are more clearly defined gender roles in Japan than in America; a man is a man, a woman is a woman and homosexuality is in a closet within a closet denied by joke after joke.  Condom machines are more common than snack machines, but still less common than cigarette and soft drink machines (and about as common as alcohol vending machines).  Prostitution seems to be about as frowned upon as marijuana use is in America, but probably less so being that, in America, the health benefits of pot are hotly debated, while, in Japan the health benefits of sex seem to be accepted, if not celebrated.

Porno mags are in public, but the porno section of the video store is still restricted to adults and the porno videos themselves blur out genitals and genital penetration the way COPS blurs our white trash faces.

So why does Japan have the best porno?

Well, Japanese porno actors, for one, don’t have fake tits the size of basketballs or cocks the size of genetically engineered bananas.  The sexual acts, while often male dominated, seem to more frequently resemble consenting acts and less like aggressive rape fantasies, unless, of course, the Japanese porn is meant to resemble rape.  Then it is as disgusting as the worst American Porno out there.

Another reason why Japanese porno may be good is because of innovation and creativity; cameras in the dildos, visual countdowns to the cum shots, and blurred out genitals.

A common perception of blurred out genitals is that it is simple censorship.  But could it possibly be an innovation in porn?

Hear me out.

There is a phrase for sex in American English: bumping uglies.  By blurring out the genitals, Japanese porno encourages the eye of the viewer to focus on the more delicate and sensual parts of the human body in the act of fornication; for example, the titties.

So, perhaps the reason why Japanese make the best porno is a combination of their relaxed attitude toward sex and the innovative Japanese mind.

Or, to get to my short answer, maybe you just dig Japanese chicks.

D.W. Patton

  • Shrimp chips taste like stale cum.

  • midge_ratchet

    you actually made this topic interesting and were funny and smart, instead of just going for the gross-out or the misogyny. i think you are cool.

  • Michael

    “for example, the titties”

  • D.W. Patton

    Thanks for the feedback. I forgot to say that the reason why I bought seaweed and shrimp flavored chips and not just shrimp chips is because teh seaweed makes the chips taste more fresh and a little less stale.

    Thanks for reading, feel free to post questions. My next article will be about Japanese McDonalds.

  • [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-Dg3QMfWgQ]

    Ok I’ve been listening to the polysics recently and I want to start listening to more japanese bands, but I’m struggling to find decent ones, what are the best japanese bands out at the moment?

  • Last Reptile

    I commend your hours and hours of reasearch on this topic! I further commend your girlfriend for believing that your closet within a closet full of porn was for reasearch.