As American as Fireworks


So, here I am…celebrating America’s birthday in Japan. That’s right, my dear country turns 231 years old today and if you measure freedom by pints of ice cream consumed, dozens of donuts eaten, kegs of beer guzzled and number of TV channels available, it is safe to say that we are freer than ever.

Of course, this 4th of July is a little bit different for me. No barbecue, no hot-dogs or hamburgers on the grill, just me, myself, and I holding a sparkler in my left hand, a can of beer in my right hand and an American class A cigarette pursed between my lips, sitting on my porch, looking out over a parking lot in suburban Japan.

Sound exciting? Believe me, it’s not.

It cost me 320yen for the can of Budweiser and 320 yen for the pack of class A cigarettes. Which means that, in Japan, 350ml of beer costs the same as a pack of cigs.

Fireworks, are sold at 7-11. In fact, convenience stores are pretty damn convenient, here. You can buy most of the same items as in American stores, but there is a larger variety of instant noodles, and there are a few extra services.

For instance, bathrooms are available to non-paying customers, you can park your car over night without getting towed, and you can pay electric and other utility bills at the counter…pretty damn convenient, huh?

But, before I really get into it and give you all of my observations and opinions about Japan, I want to know what you want to know about Japan.

Send me your questions and your stereotypes. Tell me what you want to know, and I will be happy to reply with pictures, words…whatever.

But I have to keep this first article short and reign in the beast, because, I feel the urge to go out and start a revolution.

Happy Birthday America.

-D.W. Patton

  • johnfuckingf

    why does japan have the best pornography?

  • Monkey

    Post some pictures!

  • DH Shultis

    My Stereotypes about Japan are many: Giant robots, killer radioactive dinosaurs, male chauvinism raised to an apocalyptic power, women who are 50 but look 15, suicide clubs, business men who pretend to be sloths when they get really drunk at company parties, extreme racism (a half Korean Pitcher was a scandalous pick for team Japan in the Baseball World Classic), multi-use everything, lots of cameras and electronics, bowing too much, swords, a 1,000,000 ninjas a night habit, never getting over being the only country to have an Atomic Bomb detonated in their airspace an act of war (and it happened twice!), beehive like sameness among the people, clean cities, conservative haircuts, oh and Japan is actually infested with all the creatures portrayed in anime.

  • DH Shultis

    Correction: ‘airspace an’ should read, “as an act of war”.

  • D.W.Patton

    I will happily address the issue of Japanese pornography in my next article, and, yes, there will be pictures.

  • iPear

    I like japan mostly because of because they have alots of good cultures. like in japan it is very cool to sometimes look at panties of girls. I like in japan their drawings of characters they are when they are surprised they fall on the ground and have a ceasure. I like japan, america is sotupid I like japan because george bullshit (XD) is not from there. they have the ninjaswords and honda which is the best cars in the wrold, have you ever written a honda? they are fast like a dragon. japan also has karate which is a deadly weapon in the hands of evil that is why you should not mess with japan because they have japanese ninja yakuza soldiers that will split your spine with their carrate grip kick tit cut. But there rae also downsides to japan, like the girls have small tatas and the boys are more attractive imho to me.

  • have you seen any pandas?

  • It’s Japan in lost in translation right? I thought those Karaoke booths looked pretty damn sweet have you been to one of those yet?

    DH Shultis pretty much covered my stereotypes but there is one thing that I would like to know. Do little children look at you and begin to cry when they see you because they think you are a ghost? That’d bug me somewhat.

    Oh and are their toilets insanely high tech?

  • D.W. Patton

    Yes, the toilets are high tech, the shoot water to clean your but and many are heated…they call them warmlets.