It was a hot day for November and it was the time of year when hotter than average days felt good.  At about 4pm, I was scheduled to interview Tetsu Fukagawa, the lead vocalist of the hardcore group, Envy, at Club Upset in Nagoya, Japan, a city of over two million people.

To get to the club from Nagoya Station, one has to take the subway to a little station called Ikeshita station.  Ikeshita station is a small subway station that contains a large bus station.  That day, it looked kind of dumpy, littered with cigarettes, Styrofoam noodle cups, and rustling brown leaves.  Pigeons waddled freely across the bricks, feeding on random morsels of refuse.  There is a large mural that is visible upon exiting the subway gates.  It is a highly textured, black and brown piece that appears to depict two long-necked birds facing each other.

I walked around the surrounding area looking for the club.  During my walk, I saw many cheap restaurants selling low quality chicken and cheap beer.  There was also an abundance of adult video arcades and openly publicized brothels. Suited men stood in front of the walls, which were plastered with large numbered photos of the young women working.  The defining features of the women’s faces were blurred out.

I eventually found Club Upset, which was located upstairs in a brick building, five floors above a pizza kitchen.  Once inside the door I came to a small lobby.  The walls were plastered with posters of shows past; almost exclusively Japanese acts.  There was also a small ticket booth, but nobody was in it, so I opened the thick black door opposite the unmanned station.  There was a small hallway that led to another thick black door; a sound proofing technique used by smaller clubs in Japan to avoid noise complaints.

The club was of modest size with a two-level, black and blue checkered board.  Envy’s two guitar players were on stage with their instruments.  The people in the room were surprised to see me and nobody seemed to know what I was talking about when I said that I was there for an interview.  Finally, after some discussion amongst various folks, the singer, Tetsu came out and said, “Hey.”  Then, in Japanese, he explained that he had to do a soundcheck, which might take about an hour, but that I could watch if I wanted, so that’s what I did.

It was nice to get to see the soundcheck.   Both guitar players and the bassist used many effects, primarily strumming their chords.  The drummer had about five microphones on his kit and, when he hit certain drums, it would make some of the lights above him shake.  Tetsu had his set-up in the middle of the stage, which consisted of one free standing microphone and another one that was positioned behind a small midi unite with a small keyboard.  During the more ambient parts of the songs, he played the keyboard and, primarily, spoke softly with his back to the floor.  As the songs picked up in volume and intensity, he would turn to face the floor and scream, while occasionally bending over to his left.  It was an effective technique; a simple staging that enhanced the arrangements of the music.

The entire sound check lasted about an hour.  After they were finished, they put their gear off to the side and the opening act, Nice View, began setting up for their sound check.  Somebody associated with the group informed me that Tetsu would be unable to do the interview, after all, but that guitarist, Nobukata Kawai would be available to take his place.  I told them that would be okay, although the questions that I had prepared for the interview were primarily about song writing and the use of both English and Japanese in Envy’s recordings.  Not only was it my first band interview, but it was my first interview done in Japanese, so I was a little bit nervous from the start.  Nobu had medium length hair and was dressed rather simply. Other than his hair, his appearance did not look particularly “rock”, or “hardcore”, or “scream”, or “emo”… or anything like that.  We began the interview in the main hall, sitting on a low standing area to the left of the stage.

D.W.Patton: Are you the lead guitarist?

Nobu: Yes I am

How long has Envy been together?

Envy started in 1995

Have you had any line up changes?

Back in 95, it was the singer Tetsu, the bassist Nakagawa(?)  And a drummer, who ended up quitting.  Then, in 97, a second guitar player, Masahiro joined.  And, since 1997, we’ve had the same lineup.

How did you decide on the name “Envy”?

From the start, it was a tough decision.  And we took a long time coming up with something.  Then, at last, we looked at a dictionary, and saw the word ‘envy,’ and thought,*pointing a finger to an air dictionary* “This is it!”  The meaning was not exactly good and a little bit negative.

Do you think that Envy’s music is negative?

Hmmm.   10 years ago, there were more negative parts, but in the years that followed, we’ve met many people and had many experiences and our way of thinking about music has changed.

So there was never any other band names before Envy?

From 1992, the bass player, Nakagawa, and Tetsu had a hardcore band for three years before starting Envy.  But, Envy is Envy.

Who writes the songs for Envy?

At first, I write all the music, then everybody arranges it together.  Every song is written like that.

Who writes the lyrics?

Tetsu writes all the lyrics.

Do Envy members have any side projects?

Not now.

Who is Metal Park?

He’s a friend who makes amazing music with only a sequencer, not a computer, just a sequencer and makes amazing music.

And he helped with the new album?

Yes, he helped a little with the new album.  Just with the ambient sounds.

Where was your first show in America?

Oh, where was it?  Our first tour…

*asking out to the other members who are doing things like checking their equipment and talking to the staff, roadies, and friends* Hey where was our first show in America!?

Tetsu: D.C.

Oh yea, it was in D.C., maybe.  With Malady.

How was the response?

oh…
[In English:. ..So fucking Crazy.]

Is the response to Envy in America different than that in Japan?

Yeah. *noticing that Nice View is about to do their soundcheck*
It’s going to get loud here, so let’s go upstairs.

[We head upstairs and continue the interview.]

We were talking about the difference between the response to ENVY in America and Japan.

It’s totally different.  As expected, American people are more direct. If the show is good, then they give a great response. But if there’s a bad show, *sighs, and looks disappointed* [in English: fuck.].  Fuck Envy.  So it’s always either, [English: “Envy is amazing,” or “Envy is fuck.”]  But, you know, America is a music country and an entertainment country, so there is always a response and the crowd knows what they want.

Which do you like more, playing live or recording.

Of course, live.  Recording is, well- I want to make a good recording, but live is the best.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Do you have a favorite place to play in Japan?

My favorite… hmm… Japan… can I answer about the past?

Sure

A long time ago, there was a good one.  Now there aren’t any, but Shinjuku (area of Tokyo) Loft was good. Before they changed the location, it was the best.  There was history to it.

Like CBGB?

Yeah, it was that kind of club with a lot of history.

What are your favorite places to play over seas?  Country or City.

Country?  America is fun.  The West is good.   We went from Seattle to L.A. and that was really fun.  Everyone enjoyed the shows and many people turned out.  I also like playing Germany.

Oh, Germany?

German people are really intelligent.  During the songs, they are really quiet and thinking about the music.  Then, at the end, they cheer loudly.  And lots of people come to our shows.   Opposite of that, Spain is also good and they are loud throughout the shows.

How about Japanese?

Hmm.  Well, Japanese crowds are always quiet.  Very Quiet.  But, it’s a good quiet.  And, in my music, these days, there are more and more quiet parts, so, when the people in the crowd are quiet, they are enjoying the music.

Where did you play in Seattle?

I can’t remember the name of the place, but it was where the singer from undertow worked (El Corazon).

Do you meet many fans who can speak Japanese when you’re playing abroad?

Only a few.   But, we’re in English speaking countries for a long time and we can’t speak much English, so when people sometimes speak Japanese to us, we are very happy.

What are you plans for future tours?

Next May, we want to go to Europe.  We’re not sure yet, but if we do that, then we want to take a break after that tour, then do some recording.

Do you tour every year?

After the Europe tour, we have no plans and want to spend some time in Tokyo.

Is Tokyo your home town?

No.  I’m from Fukuoka (largest city on Kyushuu Island).  None of us are originally from Tokyo.  Now we all live in Tokyo.

When did you move to Tokyo?

Over fifteen years ago.

Did you move there to start a band?

No, I just moved there because of my dad.

Well, thank you for your time.  This was my first interview in Japanese, and I’m afraid I’ve run out of questions.

A couple of hours later, the show started and, after a kick-ass set by Nice View, it was time to see Envy’s performance. The sound was not much different than the sound check, but the musicians played their music with more exaggerated body movements and the addition of head banging.   The show was good and the crowd was as quiet and relatively non-responsive as Nobu had said that Japanese crowds were, but there was an overall vibe that people were really enjoying themselves.

Envy’s music is not exactly melodic, nor is it exactly noise.   It’s a lot like a sea or windy day, in the respect that there are quiet parts and loud parts, but seldom, if ever, a moment of silence.  During the set, the bassist and guitar players spend most of their time looking at their strings, which adds to the introverted aesthetic and can be a lesson to young musicians to focus on their instruments over their poses (or, at least, to integrate looking at their instruments into their poses).  Tetsu wore a baseball ca with the bill tilted low over his bent down face, further adding to that introverted feel of the band.   When he sang, he would face upward and expose his face, as if his words flew in an arc from his mouth, landing from above into the ears of the audience.  His movements also seemed deliberately self-conscious; always bending over to the left.

The crowd was really into the show, though there was a lack of any kind of slam dancing.  Most people stood and stared calmly, not trying to show too much emotion.   Halfway through the set, Tetsu addressed the crowd in a very soft voice, explaining that the band had just toured the States and was happy to be back in Japan, while thanking everyone for coming to the show.   It was not a short address, but it wasn’t too long, either.  While Tetsu’s spoke, I couldn’t help but observe the audience members listening quietly and attentively to his words.  It was exactly what Nobu had been talking about when he had described Japanese crowds as being “quiet” and it seemed like a moment of genuine communication from the stage to audience.

If Envy’s music can be described as a storm of sound, then the speech was a quiet moment right between when the rain seems like it’s about to stop and when it really begins to pour.  And, like a storm, there were captivating moments during Envy’s set and there were monotonous ones.  There was an element of danger, as well as of surprise, and there were calm spaces that provided shelter from the most intense elements.  I left the show unable to recall one song standing out from another, but simply contemplating the atmosphere of sound that I had just finished experiencing.   Trying to find the words to describe the music that I had just witnessed, I couldn’t help but think back to Nobu’s words from the interview, “EnvyはＥｎｖｙ.” (“Envy is Envy”).

-D.W. Patton

U-Min (aka: Woomin) was a dance crew from Japan who’s name means “unknown”.  They have a strong foundation working with popping, the robot, and an “animation” dance style.  From my understanding, 2 of the members (pictured) had left the group to start a crew called U-Min No Kokoro (meaning “core” or “soul” of U-Min) but, last year, they appeared collectively in Missy Elliott’s ‘”Ching-A-Ling‘” video from the film Step Up 2: The Streets. Although the video features the crew dressed in homage to the Baseball Furies gang from the film The Warriors, it didn’t truly showcase what the crew was capable of.  I saw a video of them over a year ago, where they were performing on stage and it blew my mind.  I had planned to post it, but never got around to it.  Tonight I stumbled across another video from the group that triggered by memory; both are posted here.  Leave a comment and tell us what you think.  If you have any more info on the crew, feel free to drop that info here as well.

thanks,

-Dead C

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmN9hs__Aos

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcz-vgs-j0U

Of course I am referring to when, underwear designer, Shawn from Tool Academy was caught point blank and confronted in a room by his other “real” girlfriend Aida right in the middle of apologizing and pledging his loyalty to Jaimee.  OMG! WTF! FTW! PWND! ROTFLMAO!  What are the rest of those acronyms the kids are using, these days?

Oh yeah, in less prominent news, Barack Obama was also innaurgurated as the first African-American president of the United States ever.  Some of you might have missed that but, apparently it went down yesterday.  I think that it may have gained coverage on some of the other stations that aren’t VH1.

Other nations around the world seem very supportive and enthusiastic about the new presidency, except, of course, for the Iranians’ burning of Obama’s image in effigy.  I sent an email out to our writer DW. Patton in Japan to see how the country is responding to the news, if at all.  However, based on a recent discovery posted today, I think we may already have our answer sooner than expected.  Gamu Toys, a provider of anime and robot action figures, just released their version of a fully-poseable Barack Obama action figure today.  They seem to clearly view the role of his presidency and as a public figure more in the light of a John Woo film.

Below is a copy of the product page for the doll.  It is a choppy read due to the fact that I used an automatic translator for the original text, which I’m assuming was written in Japanese.

Enjoy,

-Dead C

■ DiD US Presidential Election 2008 Barack Obama ■

- - The 44th president of the United States Barack Obama’s –
President of the first African-American, Barack Obama 44 President of the USA’s stunning overhead in INCHIAKUSHONFIGYUA 12.
I was surprised itself out of these products in the overseas珍SHIKU無I I also figure that these politicians.

2008 specification and the U.S. presidential election, comes with the image of that time and costumes and accessories.
The costume is a private suit, in part does not match the size of some elementary and Howdy, “and BISHIッrock” is not.
The highlight (?) Is so great that the quality of the head and, to some extent will be the first瞑RE.
OBAMAHEDDO Obama is a notch or even look at it from anywhere.
The high quality of the coating is firm to reproduce the details and texture of the skin.
All clothing is removable. Fixed to the inside and uses a button or belt.

Parts & Accessories gimmick.

List of accessories.
Hand option × 3 species (moving hands, handle,指SHI手finger), Mike, tie × 2 seed, watch Flags),旗立台, a chair, head options (picture below)

OBAMAHEDDO is included.
Normal type (upper) and speech type (bottom)

The options are moving one hand, holding hands, pointing out three of the species included.
Moving hands (soft material) is a single wire to a finger (?) Are schooled, you can move the fingers freely.

Flags in the chair and the staff of the timber, and竿頭旗立台uses the metal parts.
The firm also makes the American flag, even texture and massive punch combination is a good thing.

Toward the end of the game.

And organizations and is not related to any real person.

President, enjoy the winter in Japan.

遊BEMASU longer true.
Figures and絡MASE or scale, or just like posture, and decorate it
The other figure is not something that is unique taste of the fun.
Such as action figures is a major low-priced items
Including optional items, included the entire building was stunned by the firm.

If things like other political figures at this scale, they are likely to make the world a more arrays.
Including former Prime Minister of Japan, the figures in a row on the shelves of the world leaders … to ensure customer’s招KEMASEN.
(Russia around it is no discomfort, even if mixed with other shelves.)

To View Original Product Page CLICK HERE

One of the first people contacted after starting MonsterFresh.com, was our writer known as D.W. Patton. It may have been the last time that I saw him face to face when we were sitting at the China Town bar in Olympia, Wa. We traded manuscripts. I gave him a 19 page paper I had written about my theories on time travel and Satan while he gave me a copy of a play that he had written entirely of Elizabethan dialogue involving a half-man/half-woman Brian Bosworth separated vertically down the middle. He is currently teaching children in Japan and has written 3 articles for the site about his experiences living in the Island Country. He has covered such topics as spending the 4th of July in a foreign land, Japanese Porn, and even cultural transplants such as McDonalds. I had hoped to receive more content based around these observations from an outsider and have had occasional emails with Patton pertaining to such aspirations. He had planned to send an article to me about the bar scenes and drinking in his current location but it has yet to happen for one reason or another. There was even hope that I could get the Zomba group to grant him free access to a Backstreet Boys concert in Japan so that he could report on the continued boy band frenzy and the juxtaposition of the two pop cultures coming together, but that didn’t work out either.

D.W. has been very busy with work and other responsibilities as of late. I was recently thinking about him and his work. I had thought to contact him about possibly writing some more facinating content for us when I noticed a message in the MonsterFresh email account. Somehow during a correspondance with a friend of his, their email conversation was accidentally forwarded to me. Although I still hope to receive some material tailored specifically as an article and/or to work with him more in the future in one form or another, I quickly realized that the email that I had in my posession was a genuine article that represented some very deep and honest feelings for him at the time it was typed. It was written from a sincere place of evaluation for both his environment and his place within it. I know that he holds his time and experiences in Japan very dear, and that he truly does have respect for the culture and opportunities that he’s had over there, however, if I plan to print honest unfiltered material on this site, and I do, I felt that I could not overlook what I had read. I contacted him and Patton agreed to let me post his letter without hesitation.

I hope, as I’m sure that he does, that this is read, not as a document of slander for a place and its people and culture, but as a look into the effects of culture shock on one’s psyche and emotional health and well-being. He has confirmed that this letter accurately represents his recent feelings as a foreigner living in a distant and very different land. Hopefully, this will further help those of us who read it, to re-evaluate the way that we too treat and view people around us who have ventured outside of their own cultural safe-zones with adjusted and more conscious approaches to what they may be experiencing. Below in bold type is that letter.

-DEAD C

The amount of lying and cheating and dishonesty that lies beneath the superficial cosmetic complexion of the face of Japan is great.
I wouldn’t even know where to begin to explain where that thought came from, but I have learned it to be truth.
Sometimes I find it harder in Japan than in America to retreat behind a mask, because people look at me as if I am in costume just because of my skin, eye, and hair color.

I even smell different sometimes. And any difference I have is magnified because of my racial and national differences.
I hear that whores are cheap here and married women throw themselves at me for free, but it’s hard enough to look in the mirror in the morning without a bag of adulturey around my right eye and whoring around my left.

But the food is good here and people don’t kill each other.
They’re too busy with suicide in one drawn out form or another.
Three dollar tabacco.

Just walking by the pachinko parlours makes my ears ring.
Australian accents are more a part of my Japan than sushi.

A shower, a shave, and a tie around the neck in the morning hides the individuality, the pain, and dampens the enthusiasm of myself and prepares me to go to work where I am a well payed and quite respected clown singing the ABC’s.

Racists hate me and I flex my tattooed muscles at them because I think it’s funny because it is.

The nights away from the bullshit, for example at a dinner with a friends family are welcome. Normal people are great here. Nice normal people with good senses of humor, but it’s hard to meet them when people don’t talk to strangers and most people who want to speak English or meet foreigners either want to get laid or have a foreigner obsession. But the families I know are nice. They speak to me in their language and I can speak a little back.

So when I can’t do that I go to the vinyl bar and hang out with a couple Japanese guy friends. Sometimes go to the studio and scream heavy metal in to a microphone with my friend who plays guitar. We have to take our shoes off to go in to the studio and we can’t bring beverages that are more than 500ml in size and we can’t bring alcohol because Japan won’t let us, but I can scream as loud as I want to behind closed doors which is almost like escaping Japan.

Sometimes on the weekend, I play tackle football on a dirt field with no pads and Australians. We walk away a little bloody, then wash up and go drink beers.

Temples and Shrines are as abundant as the lies and the masks.
Drop ten cents and pray for good health and world peace
Then stumble home a few hours later
wake up hurting
and tie the noose again

“D.W. Patton”

It was another rainy night in suburban central Japan, so I decided to take my night elsewhere, namely to the city of Gifu to see what a rainy Friday night was like in that city which I hesitate, but only slightly, to call romantic.

With the rain came some humidity, but still I wore my wind breaker.
Gifu.
Everybody says that there is nothing in Gifu. But, I am there, or, at least, I was there, or, at the very least, I will be there again, so isn’t that something?

The train ride from the suburbs to the city was so dark that I could see only my reflection in the train windows.  My belly was grumbling and I wanted to find a place where I could sit, eat, and write. In Japan, as in America, and, just about everywhere else in the civilized world, there is a common place to go to fill such desires; McDonalds, or as the natives call it, “Makudonaludo“, or simply “Maku“.

After a long walk and some back tracking, I finally found a non smoking McDonalds that wasn’t too far from the station. It was a clean place with white leather chairs and there was an open seat facing the window where I watched the rain drops fall on passing umbrellas and stagnant cement.  The music in the upstairs dining room was nice and simple – bell voice keyboards. It was as soothing and as comforting as the solid poison I would consume in the form of two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame bun.

It was only 9pm and I wanted to take my time. I wasn’t tired and I just didn’t want to leave the bright lighting that contrasted the dark and dreary rain outside. I wasn’t ready to join the white skirts and neckties running desperately through the rain to the station and I just couldn’t get over the music. It was atmospheric.

As I bit in to my Bigu Maku, I got to thinking about my past experiences in McDonalds. My favorite McDonalds in the world was in Madison, Wisconsin, with the fire place, stain glass windows. I used to go there to read the USA Today, watch Fox News, feel real American, and stay warm from the cold during my lunch breaks. My second favorite McDonalds was the 24 hour McDonald’s at Koenji station in Tokyo. I didn’t have a third favorite, and, before that night, I had never even thought to think about whether or not I had a favorite at all.

I stayed there for an hour or two before catching the train home. That night, as I dreamt about my first time in Japan, I slept with a rock in my stomach.

Before I had ever eaten at a Japanese McDonalds, I studied Japanese in high school. It was kind of a mistake. I signed up for German, my school canceled German, and I ended up taking Japanese. But it worked out, because the teacher made a difficult subject fun. He was an American man who would often spend more time talking about Japan than speaking Japanese.

I was in the midst of my second year of study when our teacher told the class about an opportunity for a free summer as an exchange student in Japan. That day, after class, I told him I was interested.
“O.k.”, he said, “But a lot of people apply, and you probably won’t get it.”
Still I applied, and I ended up getting the scholarship and spending a summer with a host family in Tokyo.

I had to leave school a week early that year, which meant I had to take my finals a week early. I clearly remember my last day of Japanese class that year. After the class was over, the students were leaving for their next period. I walked up to my teacher and asked about my test. He reached for his back pocket and took out his wallet.“Here,” he said as he presented me with a 1,000 yen bill (about ten dollars), “Buy a Big Mac on me. It will teach you more than any test ever will.”  Then he told me, “This trip will change your life.”

As it would turn out, I didn’t have to spend the thousand yen on a Big Mac because the first meal my host family treated me to was from McDonalds. It was a nice gesture for two reasons. First of all, at that time, a Big Mac cost about $10 in Japan. The second reason was because my host family thought that it would be comforting to treat me to American food, being that I was so far away from home. The thought was touching, even if the meal was mass produced, genetically altered bullshit, but, that was eleven years ago.

Times have changed. Economies have risen and fallen, and the price of the Big Mac has evened out. Today, it costs about $6.50 for a Big Mac Combo in Japan: a price that I will gladly pay, from time to time, for a taste of America.

There is something comforting and at the same time exotic about going to McDonald’s in Japan. While it reminds me of home, there are subtle differences in the menu and service that remind me that I am still in a foreign country.  The teriyaki burger, and fried shrimp burger are the two most exotic standard menu items and the service in McDonalds is impeccable. If an employee is on the floor and see’s you walking with your tray, they will smile, take the tray and sort your garbage for you and thank you very politely for visiting their restaurant. Plus it’s clean, and, unlike in America, the employees don’t seem to be ex-convicts, drug addicts, or disgruntled pimply sorry sons of bitches who hate their jobs. But, still, they serve poison.

For example, another difference between Japanese McDonalds and American McDonalds is that in Japan there is a rotating monthly burger. The burgers that I can remember are the Mega Mac, the Teriyaki Mega Mac, The Egg Bacon Burger, and the Fried Pork Burger. I tried the Egg Bacon Burger, and the sauce was a too sweet half honey mustard, half thousand island and the bacon sucked (Japanese bacon is limp and not fried). The Mega Mac is a Big Mac with four patties instead of two but nothing as grotesque, or as awesome, as Jack ‘n’ the Box’s Bacon Ultimate Cheese Burger. And, I never tried the Fried Pork Burger because of the bad experience I had with the Teriyaki Mega Mac.

American English can be charming or offensive because our language is creative and one of my favorite terms that we have is, “Mystery Meat.”  The Teriyaki Mega Mac wreaked of mystery meat. First of all, the Teriyaki Mega Mac is about the size of a Big Mac, but the patties are bigger and made of something that tastes like a beef/pork combo which is drenched in a teriyaki sauce that’s sweeter and less seductive than peach Schnapps. Plus, there’s some kind of pepper in the meat. I ate it during a lunch break and the bathrooms at my work are in the often used storage room where there is no window and no ventilation.  Let’s just say that I’m lucky I wasn’t deported for bioterrorism that day.

Yes, the world has changed in the past eleven years.  In 1996, when I was first in Japan, the cost of a Big Mac was about twice as much in Japan as it was in America.  That same year, Starbucks’ first Japanese shop was opening in Tokyo’s Ginza, which, at the time, boasted some of the world’s highest retail prices.  Today, while Ginza is still expensive and McDonalds is still poison, Starbucks has spread to every major city and many of smaller cities of Japan.  The price of McDonalds in Japan however, is comparable to that of one in the U.S. and, even while America’s economy and global approval slides steadily, our cultural influence continues to dominate.

God bless us.

-D.W. Patton

It was a rainy Tuesday in Central Japan at 9pm, my first work day of the week had ended and it was time to go home.

I rode the rainy streets past the 99yen shop, past my bank, a few barber shops, money lenders and the Korean brothel, under the shelter of the light rail train tracks to the convenience store where three young women and four or five businessmen stood at the magazine rack.

The women were browsing fashion, the men browsing porno mags with no shame. 

I went to the cooler, grabbed a couple of tall cans of beer, and on my way to the counter, grabbed a bag of seaweed and shrimp flavored chips.

As I headed home, I rode my bike with my right hand and held my umbrella with my left.  I learned how to do that in Japan.

I parked my bike at the bottom floor of my mansion, grabbed my mail and stepped in to the air conditioned elevator; destination: 4th floor.

Do I really live in a four story mansion?  No, I live in a ten story mansion.  You see, here in Japan, an apartment building is called a mansion.

Why?  I can only say because in all the world, no other country tries so hard to use English and fails so poetically.

But, let’s get back to the issue at hand, porno, sex, and that little piece of paper that I found in my mail box.

“Delivery Health.  Y3,000 off.  Room or Hotel OK.  Some acts unacceptable”

As I glanced at this unsolicited call girl solicitation, I got to thinking about the first question posed by one of my readers, “Why does Japan have the best porno?”

I have two answers to this question; one short and one long.  Let me begin with the long.

In my small town, there are several show pubs, snack bars, body lounges, and health clubs.  Many of these clubs cater to men’s ethnic taste in women; Korean, Filipino, Chinese, European etc.

Health Club is indeed a Japanese word taken from English, but, the health clubs in Japan aren’t full of sweaty bodies on treadmills, weight stations, and yoga classes.  They are indeed full of sweaty bodies, but usually one sweaty body is paying another, maybe not so sweaty body, for sexual favors.

Show pubs are strip clubs, Body Lounges are something more expensive than strip clubs but not called health clubs, and snack pubs are bars where lonely men pay to talk with women who are payed to talk and sing karaoke with lonely men.

As you can see, the perception of sex is a little different here.  First of all, there are more clearly defined gender roles in Japan than in America; a man is a man, a woman is a woman and homosexuality is in a closet within a closet denied by joke after joke.  Condom machines are more common than snack machines, but still less common than cigarette and soft drink machines (and about as common as alcohol vending machines).  Prostitution seems to be about as frowned upon as marijuana use is in America, but probably less so being that, in America, the health benefits of pot are hotly debated, while, in Japan the health benefits of sex seem to be accepted, if not celebrated.

Porno mags are in public, but the porno section of the video store is still restricted to adults and the porno videos themselves blur out genitals and genital penetration the way COPS blurs our white trash faces.

So why does Japan have the best porno?

Well, Japanese porno actors, for one, don’t have fake tits the size of basketballs or cocks the size of genetically engineered bananas.  The sexual acts, while often male dominated, seem to more frequently resemble consenting acts and less like aggressive rape fantasies, unless, of course, the Japanese porn is meant to resemble rape.  Then it is as disgusting as the worst American Porno out there.

Another reason why Japanese porno may be good is because of innovation and creativity; cameras in the dildos, visual countdowns to the cum shots, and blurred out genitals.

A common perception of blurred out genitals is that it is simple censorship.  But could it possibly be an innovation in porn?

Hear me out.

There is a phrase for sex in American English: bumping uglies.  By blurring out the genitals, Japanese porno encourages the eye of the viewer to focus on the more delicate and sensual parts of the human body in the act of fornication; for example, the titties.

So, perhaps the reason why Japanese make the best porno is a combination of their relaxed attitude toward sex and the innovative Japanese mind.

Or, to get to my short answer, maybe you just dig Japanese chicks.

-D.W. Patton

So, here I am…celebrating America’s birthday in Japan. That’s right, my dear country turns 231 years old today and if you measure freedom by pints of ice cream consumed, dozens of donuts eaten, kegs of beer guzzled and number of TV channels available, it is safe to say that we are freer than ever.

Of course, this 4th of July is a little bit different for me. No barbecue, no hot-dogs or hamburgers on the grill, just me, myself, and I holding a sparkler in my left hand, a can of beer in my right hand and an American class A cigarette pursed between my lips, sitting on my porch, looking out over a parking lot in suburban Japan.

Sound exciting? Believe me, it’s not.

It cost me 320yen for the can of Budweiser and 320 yen for the pack of class A cigarettes. Which means that, in Japan, 350ml of beer costs the same as a pack of cigs.

Fireworks, are sold at 7-11. In fact, convenience stores are pretty damn convenient, here. You can buy most of the same items as in American stores, but there is a larger variety of instant noodles, and there are a few extra services.

For instance, bathrooms are available to non-paying customers, you can park your car over night without getting towed, and you can pay electric and other utility bills at the counter…pretty damn convenient, huh?

But, before I really get into it and give you all of my observations and opinions about Japan, I want to know what you want to know about Japan.

Send me your questions and your stereotypes. Tell me what you want to know, and I will be happy to reply with pictures, words…whatever.

But I have to keep this first article short and reign in the beast, because, I feel the urge to go out and start a revolution.

Happy Birthday America.

-D.W. Patton