In Space No One Can Hear You Laugh: Boldy Going Nowhere

Boldly Going Nowhere It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia

Television today is so exhausted.  It seems that every time I turn on the old boob tube, there’s either a new reality show or crime scene investigator series going down.  Not to mention the remakes.  Beverly Hills 90210, Knight Rider, Battlestar Galactica, Flash Gordon…  Come on people!  David Haselhoff is the only man allowed to drive KITT and Flash Gordon was corny as fuck to begin with.  Have we run out of ideas?  Have we been conditioned to just except this shit as entertainment?

I remember the good old days when I would get home from school, flip on the TV and rock the After School Specials.  There was nothing like sitting on the couch with my bowl of Cheerios watching Helen Hunt jumping out a second story window high on pcp just to show us kids that drugs are bad or, the A-TEAM.  Take a bunch of trained military lunatics, stick them in a pimped out molester van, add some action, a little adventure, and then just throw MR T in that bitch and we’ve got a show folks.  Even the sitcoms back then were good.  Taxi, Cheers, and the Cosby Show were simple concepts, but the content was funny.  I’m sure you’re reading this and thinking, “Fuck this guy, CSI Miami is the shit!” and I’m sure it is, but it’s played out.  In fact, it’s all played out.  That’s why you have to be more creative if you want to make a TV show that will get my attention.  Not even necessarily with the concept but, defintiely with the content.  That’s also why I was so excited when I read the  pilot script for a new project by the writers/creators of  It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX), one of my favorite shows currently on television today.

The new program is titled, “Boldly Going Nowhere“, and is sci-fi comedy about the day in the life of an intergalactic starship captain.  A “leaked” script has been floating around the internet for little while now and, although there has been speculation that the script was real, no one seemed to be 100% positive of that fact.  We knew the project existed, but wanted to make sure that the, so called, “pilot script” was legit before moving forward.  At this point, we have been able to officially gain confirmation of it’s authenticity by someone extremely close to the project.  Although projects at this stage are prone to changes and adjustments, we believe the that the rest of the information that we have on the project is on point as well.

The original idea came from Always Sunny writers assistant Adam Stein, however, Charlie Day, Glen Howerton, and Rob McElhenney will be doing most of the writing.  The pilot was shot last October and the Fox network ordered five more episodes.  Though the Paddys Pub crew will not be starring in the show, from reading the script, it seems to hold a lot of the same elements: a group of socially deranged people form crackpot schemes that worsen their situations.  It was like a cross between a Always Sunny, The Office, and Spaceballs, only minus the Star Wars references, cubicles and alcoholism.  The story begins on the starship “Rock Collector 7“, floating through space.  The captain, Ron Teague, is addressing his crew about the sexual abuse the holo-deck has been undergoing.  While it’s intended use is for training purposes, the crew has found more erotic uses for it.  Teague is also stressing the fact that they are way behind on their moon rock quota, which had been due months ago.  Meanwhile, there is an inspector from the alliance waiting to board and the ship is far from running smoothly.  The plot thickens as the inspector realizes the mental status of the ships occupants.  Without ruining if for you entirely, I’ll just say that I thoroughly enjoyed it.

The following is a run-down of the cast, as of the
October 2008 filming:

Captain Ron Teague– An arrogant son of a bitch who’s main objectives are to arm the starship with nuclear warheads, flee the alliance, and go on exploratory space adventures.  He will be played by Ben Koldyke who previously wrote, directed, and starred in the star wars parody called “Jedi gym“.

Captain’s android companion– A robot sidekick who Capt. Teague has had reprogrammed to be bald, insecure  and with low self esteem and a baby dick, in an attempt to bolster his ego and decrease the chances of a robot uprising.  He will be played by former Arrested Development actor, Tony Hale, who is, ironically, also known for dancing to Mr. Roboto in a 1999 Volkswagen commercial.

Lutenant Lance Grigsby– A naive, spineless, dishonest man who acts as the captain’s “little bitch” and puts the rest of his time and energy into his kids and wife, who is clearly using him for his money and cheating on him.  Grigsby will be played by Always Sunny actor/writer David HornsbyBruce’s relative has also been featured as a regular cast member on “The Mullets“, and “The Joe Schmoe Show“.

Startemis– A portly, eccentric female communications officer who enjoys showing off her skills with the “Kiljovian” war sword.  The character will be played by Artemis Pebdani, a last season addition to the Sunny cast.  Artemis performs weekly in “Big News“, a live sketch-comedy show in Hollywood, based on the weeks current events.   She also rocks out in the musical performance group The Discount Cruise from Hell, with Sunny actress/wife of Charlie Day, Mary Elizabeth Ellis.

Cobalt– Is the ship’s chief of security.  He has an insistent “Im not gay“/prison mentality, which adds whole other dynamic to the script and, his obsessions with bodybuilding, sporting banana hammocks, and locking up “punk ass bitches“, make him a force to be reckoned with.  Cobalt will be played by The Wire’s Chad Coleman, who’s resume includes the TNT made for TV movie, “Monday Night Mayhem“, in which he protrayed OJ Simpson.

Joyce–  Is a mentally unstable pilot whose sexual frustration, extreme insecurity and invalidation leaves her very close to the edge and ready to fly into the sun at any moment.  This role will be filled by actress Lennon Parham, a veteran of the Upright Citizens Brigade.

It’s hard for me to find television programming that I enjoy and most of the shit that’s airing now is terrible.  With the exception of a handful of programs, I haven’t been able to find anything that I can identify with.  I want adventure, I want robots, and I want spaceships, nut jobs and asshole personalities.  That’s what I can relate to and that’s what this script offered.  Of course, I have not actually seen the pilot or witnessed the chemistry of the actors as a whole, but I laughed my way through this script numerous times and my faith in its creators makes it easy for me to say this will be a show that I will definitely be dedicating my time to.  I’ve heard nothing about an exact air date , as of yet, but I will try to post an update in the Soapbox forum as soon as I do.


(photoshop credit goes to Crack Baby G. and yes, that is an image of a flying Yugo)